Bear Grylls Eats One Direction

by Peter Wilson

Grylls and the boys in happier times.

Grylls and the boys in happier times.

According to a press release by NBC, TV Adventurer Bear Grylls has eaten the popular boy band One Direction.

The 2010 X-Factor finalists joined Grylls in the wilderness of Norway last week for a celebrity edition of his new survival series. The group set out from the isolated town of Lakselv with a camera crew on June 14th. Two days later, according to the press release, a helicopter carrying Grylls and the heart throbs of the nation was downed in a blizzard.

The pilot was killed on impact and with the camera crew travelling in a separate helicopter Grylls and One Direction were completely isolated in the Arctic tundra.

Cut off from civilisation, the group was forced to scavenge for food, their only supplies a solar-powered iPod player equipped with the band’s hit single Live While We’re Young. Grylls, at this time recuperating in an Oslo hospital, stated, “Our foraging efforts were fruitless and the situation quickly became desperate.”

Zayn Malik, 20, was badly hurt in the helicopter crash and died soon after from his injuries.

“As hunger set in I knew there was only one thing to do.

“The lads were understandably squeamish but we had no other options. I managed to get a fire going and made some burgers to try to cheer them up. This only upset them more if anything. However their tears did provide essential salt intake.”

As time passed, claims Grylls, the band members became more comfortable with his survival tactics.

Liam Payne, 19, was attacked by a pack of wolves. Although Grylls was able to save the majority of the carcass from the feral beasts, Liam was already dead. Niall Horan, 19, volunteered to dismember the corpse and began putting limbs in the permafrost for storage.

“I was impressed”, said Grylls, “I’d say he’d definitely done this before.”

At night the wolves returned and carried away Liam Payne’s legs and arms and most of his internal organs. Dangerously low on food, drastic action was needed.

Harry Styles, 19, often considered the leader of One Direction, suffered a broken leg in the crash. “I was frank”, said Grylls “and told the the boys that Harry’s injuries could be fatal in these conditions. They didn’t miss a beat.”

Niall and Louis Tomlinson, 21, proceeded to smother Harry Styles before preparing a stew with his remains.

“They’d really taken my lessons on board at this point and even started to enjoy themselves. Louis was laughing a lot and Niall was dancing about to the iPod in Zayn’s skin. It was quite an effective poncho actually.”

Soon after the frontman soup Grylls became concerned for the surviving member’s mental well being.

“It was clear snow madness had set in when I found Niall nibbling on my arm in the night, wearing Harry’s face. I made my way out of the shelter to find Louis sewing the remaining limbs together, like some foul corruption of a Hindu god.

“I had to take action. Grabbing a leg, not sure who’s, I preceded to beat them to death over the course of ten to fifteen minutes. It was the best thing for them by that point. And myself. They were delicious.

“I enjoyed my time with the lads. They were real troopers and quickly adapted to the harrowing ordeal of consuming each other’s tender flesh. I would have them back on the show in a heartbeat if I hadn’t been forced to eat them all”.

Bear Grylls new show Get Out Alive will broadcast on Discovery Channel UK this autumn.

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