Kanye West To Build Island Fortress

Imageby Peter Wilson

Kanye West has attracted more controversy this week as works begins on his own personal doom fortress. Dubbed ‘Snake Mountain’, the structure will be a 900-foot deep bunker built into the very living rock of Saint Omari, the rapper’s private Pacific island, it is intended to become the epicentre for his future efforts in music, fashion design and biochemical warfare.

The plan first came to media attention last month when Amnesty International protested to the use of ten thousand young fans as ‘slave labour’ in the terrordome’s construction. Def Jam Recordings defended Kanye’s actions pointing out the workers had willingly taken up the pick axe, beating out over a million others in a competition on kanyewest.com for the privilege to toil in the treacherous quarries and malaria ridden swamps of Saint Omari. The human rights charity nonetheless travelled to the secluded island to investigate the situation.

Marcos Silva, Amnesty’s chief inspector has come away grudgingly accepting the conditions on Saint Omari. “Ultimately it’s a voluntary effort and with Kanye controlling the island with a diamante fist, there’s little we can do”. Silva interviewed some of the volunteers to get a feel for their motivations, including Miles and Helena Reem from Chepstow.

“We will give our all for Kanye”, barked Miles, 13, his sunken face partly hidden by oversized sunglasses.

“Yes”, added Helena, 14, visibly struggling to stay upright in the sucking mire of the construction site, “We can only hope our bones will be ground into the very foundations of Snake Mountain!”

Despite 17% of the workforce already dead from cholera, rock fall and electrified fence, spirits seem high on the island. “Only those without faith in Kanye need fear”, says Helena coughing blood onto her limited edition Air Yeezys, “His face is on every wall, His music on every iPod and we do not go hungry, not while we have rich, nourishing gruel”.

The United Nations recognised Kanye as ‘Emperor and Despot’ of his plague-ridden island following a free concert for the organisation last week. The Indonesian ambassador, Dr. Lingawatty Hakim, was only one of many bowled over by the performance, “Through the Wire blew me away, like usual”, giggled Hakim, “after a performance like that he deserves the complimentary assault rifles. I’ll try and throw in a few tanks too”.

Sporting penthouses, jacuzzis and a nuclear reactor, Snake Mountain could be the most luxurious militarised pop pad since Elton 1 burnt up over Earth’s atmosphere back in 1997.

A press release by Def Jam stated the superstar expected his lair to be up and running by the New Year. “We’ll be seeing great things from Kanye West in 2014. Great and terrible things.”

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