by Peter Wilson
Press and public alike are frolicking in anticipation of the Duchess of Cambridge’s impending foetal expulsion. As thousands of journalists descend on St. Mary’s Hospital like mad wolves, the Duke and Duchess have insisted on privacy during the removal. “It shows just how in touch with common Britons the couple are”, explains our Royal Correspondent Michael Dregg, “like many expectant mothers, Kate is dead set against a shudder of clammy paparazzo staring into her roaring vagina as she begs for death. It’s quite touching really.”
Always rolling with the times, the Royal Family will be allowing some cutting-edge access into the event. Dozens of microscopic film cameras have been implanted within the Duchess’ uterine tract. They will record the child’s soggy entrance into the House of Windsor for posterity while simultaneously being broadcast on hundreds of jumbo screens across the nation. For gawkers on the go the Royal Birth App is being released later today, while live commentary will be provided by John Humphreys and Gary Lineker.
“It’s a good compromise”, says Doctor Arthur Baxton-Thomas, who will be one of the obstetricians on hand during the great event, “it allows privacy but also sates the pseudosexual voyeurism of the general public. The footage will be fantastic. Just imagine the majestic passage of a newborn, a wrinkly cruise liner for the nation.”
In many ways Baxton-Thomas’ graphic metaphor is correct. Across Britain people from all walks of life are joining in the fun. At Hob’s Lane Primary School in Knightsbridge, children are painting the disembodied limbs of dolls to create a gargantuan Union Jack made of babies. In Newcastle, the homeless have been carolled into wearing nappies and gurgling for chips. Even across the betting shops of the land, the upcoming fleshfall is centre stage. Everything from the child’s eye colour to gender is fair game for gamblers but without a doubt the big money is resting on Kate’s ‘quivering timbre’.
“There’s going to be some damage, it’s something even the best doctor can’t avoid but at 71 to 3 against a full blown ‘Berlin Wall’, it’s not all bad news.”
The question remains, where will you be when the legs of history part?