by Michael Burton & Peter Wilson
Last Week, Nick Clegg, deputy prime minister and MP for Sheffield Hallam, stopped. During the second reading of his Youth Engagement Bill, which has something to do with kids or whatever, the clearly haggard and distressed Lib Dem leader trailed off mid-sentence to the interest of no one.
Three days later during their mid-week meeting, the Cabinet became aware of Clegg’s absence when he failed to arrive with the biscuits, one of his main duties as Deputy-Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. When the Government met again two days later and their plates remained bereft of jammy dodgers, action had to be taken. Scotland Yard were alerted and the search began.
Investigators trawled through days of footage from BBC Parliament and made a shocking discovery. Following the Youth Encouragement thing, a catatonic Clegg was seen to remain motionless for over nineteen hours on the Government front bench as hundreds of his colleagues, many of whom he had worked with for years, debated on important matters of state. At no point was Clegg questioned, addressed or even noticed. At around 3am, after the cleaners had gone home, the disturbed MP rose and wandered off into the night.
Despite Britain being the most surveillanced nation on Earth, police had their work cut out for them, says Detective Inspector Arthur Clunes;
“As far as we are aware, Mr. Clegg made no efforts to conceal his movements or disguise his identity. However his bland appearence and forgettable nature act almost like a cloaking device, allowing him to blend into crowded streets and empty wasteland as if he was nothing”.
A national campaign, asking the public for any leads on the MP’s whereabouts proved a total failure with not a single person coming forward with information. After almost a day of searching, the police were prepared to give up.
“We’d had nothing, then Stephen Phillips, a former student at Sheffield University contacted us. He said a video on his Youtube account had shot up from several hundred to several thousand views in the space of a few days. Given the content, we realised it could be being viewed by only one man”.
Using the pin point accuracy of satellite tracking technology, police were led to a urine-soaked doorway of what was once a Woolworths in Sheffield City Centre.
There they found an odorous, mud stained, filth encrusted shell of a man. He was immediately identified as Nick Clegg. He lay slumped, with a smile on his face, a tear in his eye and a smart phone in his hand. There on the screen, stained with inseparable fluids, played on a loop was 2010 footage of Clegg surrounded by hundreds of students cheering him on, mere weeks before he was discovered to be irrevelevant.
Downing Street responded to his discovery with relief, David Cameron stating earlier today outside Number 10, “We are delighted to annouce the Deputy Prime Minister is safe and on the road to recovery. He is a crucial component of this coalition government and his efforts to make Britain great once more should be applauded and noticed”.
When asked by our Parliamentary correspondent whether Clegg would be continuing with his work “on that thing… y’know the kid thing, the Youth Entrapment Scheme or whatever”, Cameron stared off blankly for a moment before replying “I don’t know what you’re talking about”.
The Prime Minister concluded, “we have every confidence he will be returning to his confectionery based duties later this month, if that’s what you mean”.