By Michael Burton
At 5:17 Wednesday morning David Cameron burst out the door of number 10, clearly sleep deprived and without shoes. The bedraggled Prime Minister clutched a scribble-ridden piece of paper which he thrust into the air victoriously, “I’ve got it!” he cried.
In a press conference later that day, he said, “People think that I’m different to them and that things don’t affect me. But this simply isn’t true. I’m an ordinary person. I’ve been in a corner shop.
“The criticism from the papers and the online hatred from the public can really upset me. There have been nights when I have cried into my pillow whilst Samantha sleeps, unaware of my pain. She doesn’t read Twitter. Once, I cut myself in the UN toilets, just to feel a rush of life run through my body. Every forced smile is a shiv twisting in my soul.”
The Prime Minister paused a moment, seemingly unaware of press questions about the Gibraltar Crisis being shouted in his face, before confessing “I’m impotent. When Samantha and I find ourselves in an intimate setting, the insults cascade into my head and I become flaccid.
“I’ve written a poem. Only in sonnet can I express my pain.
Samantha sleeps, the pain it seeps
As I recall critiques and awful tweets
which repeat and repeat;
Welcome to the channel Dave.
In the House of Commons I’m sat, and I try to relax
But the houses of commoners attack
‘Cus their bedrooms are taxed, by a shiny headed twat-
So I lie and I cry under midnight skies,
And Samantha sighs ‘cus my dick won’t rise,
I need words from the wise but there’s no Maggie alive
to direct me.
So I cut my wrist and my skin it slits
And the blood it drips, and the drips
remind me of the drips attached to the wrists
of the patients in the hospital I’m ruining.”
A silence followed. The room waited expectantly for the Prime Minister to continue while Benjamin Russell of the Daily Express quietly wept. The lull was broken by Andrew Trotman of the Daily Telegraph, who asked, “Will the Prime Minister comment on the drone strikes in Kandahar?”
Cameron replied: “I was never close to my parents. I mean, sure, they gave me money and support to get me where I am today… but did they ever back it up with love?
“So, as you can imagine, I’ve been feeling a bit down recently. But I won’t let it get in the way of my job. I’ve really tried, I’ve haven’t slept in 49 hours for this. I think it’s a winner and I think you will too. I’m proposing a tax on gravity.”
Chaos erupted; journalists shouted, Benjamin Russell literally roared his approval, and a Conservative Party aide had to be restrained from assaulting the Prime Minister with his fists and head and legs.
When order was restored, Cameron explained his new proposal: “When I brought in the bedroom tax people went berserk. They couldn’t stop winging; ‘ Oh, my life’s ruined, ooh, I can’t afford to live’. And you blamed me. But that’s not really why you’re angry. Your angry because you know the alternative, you’ve experienced it. Same with the tuition fees, you’ve experienced the alternative; you have a reference point for something else. But gravity, gravity’s different. No one has experienced an alternative to gravity apart from Buzz Aldrin but he’s dead. It allows us all to remain on the ground, makes apples easy to collect and downs an aircraft or two to keep us on our toes. Gravity is a precious resource and a charge on its use, across the board with no exceptions, is the fair thing to do. The right thing to do. I don’t think my dog even loves me.
Cameron’s audience pondered a moment and then mumbled in agreeable tones. Murmurs of, ‘makes sense’ and, ‘seems plausible’ spread around the room. As media support grows, Labour have raised doubts over a Gravity Tax. Chuka Umunna, the Shadow Business Secretary commented, “Mr. Cameron’s proposal is completely unviable. The proposal only goes so far, this flawed plan will only lead to the rich having offshore gravity vacuums where they can float at will. Probably on Guernsey or even the Moon. The bloody Moon!”
On being asked if the new, fairer ‘anti-Newtonian tariff’ would replace the Bedroom Tax the Prime Minister replied “Ha.”