by Peter Wilson
- Light entertainer Bruce Forsyth continues to deny his deceased status. ‘I’m not dead’, insists phantom dancer.
- Crippled by debt, the Irish Government announced the Republic is to be converted into an Irish-American theme park. Isle of Craic will open to the public in summer 2014.
- Barack Obama stated at a press conference that the violence in Egypt is ‘really not on’. The rioters, who are locked in a vicious death spiral with security forces for the very soul of their nation, have yet to respond.
- David Attenborough’s book of animal erotica, Betwixt the Baboon’s Thighs, continues to receive mixed reviews
- Leaked documents reveal the CIA has not been keeping tabs on Andrew Whatley an unremarkable conspiracy theorist living in Massachusetts. “He is of no value”, claims spokesman.
- Luis Suarez faces FA fine over nightclub massacre ‘gaffe’.
- 67,000 loud speakers to be installed along British coast to ‘scare off’ immigrants with ghost noises.
- Government to introduce cake ration because “you’re a disgusting mess”.
- Andrew Lloyd Webber burns to ground.
- “I’ll suck it if you do!” roars Ed Miliband.