Football Machine Gun Frenzy & 9 Other Stories You Need To Read This Week

by Peter Wilson

  • bruce_forsyth_copy1Light entertainer Bruce Forsyth continues to deny his deceased status. ‘I’m not dead’, insists phantom dancer.
  • Crippled by debt, the Irish Government announced the Republic is to be converted into an Irish-American theme park. Isle of Craic will open to the public in summer 2014.
  • Barack Obama stated at a press conference that the violence in Egypt is ‘really not on’. The rioters, who are locked in a vicious death spiral with security forces for the very soul of their nation, have yet to respond.
  • David Attenborough’s book of animal erotica, Betwixt the Baboon’s Thighs, continues to receive mixed reviews
  • Leaked documents reveal the CIA has not been keeping tabs on Andrew Whatley an unremarkable conspiracy theorist living in Massachusetts. “He is of no value”, claims spokesman.
  • Luis Suarez faces FA fine over nightclub massacre ‘gaffe’.
  • 67,000 loud speakers to be installed along British coast to ‘scare off’ immigrants with ghost noises.
  • Government to introduce cake ration because “you’re a disgusting mess”.
  • Andrew Lloyd Webber burns to ground.
  • “I’ll suck it if you do!” roars Ed Miliband.
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