by Daniel Bradley
Lord sugar initially applied for and took on the job with the charity in an attempt to quell the colossal sensation of guilt and shame that comes from running media titan Amstrad. However, evidence has emerged to suggest that Lord Sugar might not have been adept at the job that requires careful and attentive reasoning coupled with calm and empathetic consolation.
“Don’t get impatient, young man”, growled Lord Sugar down the phone at a feeble teenager, “I want an answer from you!” Sugar, infuriated by the Samaritans decision insists the charity has no policy against ‘tough love’.
“I think he’s just used to a different work environment,” suggests Jo a phone bank volunteer and Lord Sugar’s team leader. “Here we try to make a special effort not to swear at callers.” Jo suspects that Lord Sugar’s natural tendency to pummel vulnerable and kind-hearted people into the dirt may have hindered his work-performance.
“Okay, I think I’ve heard enough,” sighed a disgruntled Lord Sugar while on a call, “When this conversation started you were a lot more interesting to me. But after listening for several minutes I think you’re full of shit to be honest.” A shocked shriek is heard just before the caller hurriedly clunks the phone down.
“I don’t know what their problem is,” exclaimed Lord Sugar, eating a pasty during his lunch break, “they act like they’ve just lost their jobs or something!”
Previous attempts have been made to sack Lord Sugar from his position as caring comfort-giver at the Samaritans, but none have been successful.
“Anyone brave enough to try firing him,” explains Jo, “just ends up an emotional wreck.” As it turns out, Lord Sugar has systematically torn down the self-esteem of every supervisor at the Samaritans at one time or another. “And then, of course,” adds Jo, “they all call the Samaritans to try to get some help, get back on their feet y’know… and they just end up having to talk to him again. It’s a cruel and vicious circle. Full of cursing”.
Lord Sugar is looking into getting a new part-time job to expand his portfolio. He has his heart set on working for the Carphone Warehouse, a job for which pure evil is the minimum required.