Gordon Ramsay Terrorises Amish Village

by Daniel Bradley

amish-people-photographsA cold-blooded serial killer is on the loose. He weighs 150 lbs, he is 6ft tall and he now dwells in Mannheim, Lancaster County; a small Amish town whose residents live in perpetual fear of attack. These simple folk are known for living quiet and secluded lives. However, panic now sweeps through their once peaceful home as the threat of Gordon Ramsay looms every day. So far he has claimed 19 human lives and a dog.

‘He came out of nowhere’ says little Anna, 12, who lost her older brother ten days ago. ‘My brother was just in the kitchen, making one of Jamie Oliver’s curries when… HE… leapt out of the pantry.’

It remains unclear as to what could possibly motivate such apparently senseless killing, but crime analyst Ainsley Harriott PHD says he has a theory.

‘So far’, says Harriott with an ominous glint in his pupils ‘Most of the deaths have been linked to culinary endeavours.’ Harriott is right.

Last week Roshinioppfllap Smith lost his life when he attempted to make chips without adding truffle shavings on top. Ramsay, lurking nearby, pounced. It is believed that Ramsay finds this degree of culinary negligence to be utterly contemptible and worthy of death.

Two weeks prior to that, Antoineeeeehhggllala T. Robins brutally met his maker when he neglected to go to the local farmers market for ingredients and instead re-heated a cheese pastry from the night before. A high, blood-curdling scream was heard from behind, ‘PLEB!!!!!’, and Mr. Robins was no more.

Only once has Ramsay left a message after an attack. Near the corpse of a vegetarian, he wrote, ‘You ******* *** ***** are going to ******** rot **** heads. *** all of you, you ****** ******* *** *** **** ****** brioche.’ Locals are advised to stay in the house at all times if possible and to not enter their kitchen without a barbed shiv or a vegan sausage on a pike.

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