by Daniel Bradley & Michael Burton
It has been announced this week that piquant and inexplicably giddy television presenter Richard Hammond has cancelled his much-anticipated stand-up tour, ‘Hamster Hilarity’. The show was intended to be twenty minutes long with two intervals. The tour, which was scheduled to open for 4 months at Wembley Stadium, has been called off due to a lack of material. Thousands of tickets are currently being refunded. The tour was expected to boost the national economy by 7.6 percent. As it is, the cost of the arena being left in darkness means Hammond may have single handedly dragged Britain back into recession.
Hammond struggled creatively: ‘I’ve never been much good at writing’, he wrote , ‘But I thought if I could get help from other comedians, then nobody would notice.’
Initially, Hammond sought help and guidance from comedy legend and raconteur Paddy McGuiness, whose breadth of experience has seen him become revered as a master of his craft. McGuiness said of his time with Hammond, ‘I told him to shout a lot but he didn’t understand.’
Hammond subsequently attempted to get advice from Jim Davidson and, though the pair bonded beautifully, Hammond was unable to emulate the expert delivery that raises Jim above the common stock.
Undeterred, Hammond was advised by Ben Elton to, ‘Give a really strong viewpoint on something and then change your mind afterwards.’ But Hammond confessed to Ben that without his Top Gear comrade, Jeremy Clarkson, by his side, he didn’t know what any of his views were.
Desperately, Hammond explained to popular comedian Jack Whitehall that he was trying to write his own comic material. Jack was in awe: ‘I don’t know anyone who does that’, he said.
The laughter of the thoroughly screened studio audience of BBC1’s Top Gear acted as positive reinforcement, encouraging Hammond to pursue a life in comedy. ‘They would all fall apart laughing as long as I remembered to do a funny face at the end of my sentences. I just don’t get it.’ Heartbreakingly, the hope in Hammond’s eyes visibly deteriorates, like a tiny child who has just been told the cold answer to the metaphysical question of Santa Claus.
Many suspect that Hammond’s failure to accomplish his new career venture is due to his inability to function as a whole person, on his own. Without the ever-looming presence of Jeremy Clarkson, Hammond has no crumbling and outdated wall to lean upon or hide behind.
Jeremy Clarkson has commented that it’s ‘probably for the best.’ If Hammond had continued to pursue a life on the stage, it would have fallen apart faster than a Taiwanese dragster.