African Union: We cannot ignore the plight of Berkshire any longer

The Daily Mail's Cry For Help Has Been Answered

The Daily Mail’s Cry For Help Has Been Answered

by Peter Wilson

Responding to popular calls from the Daily Mail and Nigel Farage, African leaders met in Kinshasa yesterday to discuss the growing floods crisis in the United Kingdom.

‘The images of knee-high water have shocked us all’, said Congo’s President Kabila, whose nation is currently recovering from the most brutal conflict in recorded history since the Second World War.

‘The [Daily] Mail and Mr Farage have made it clear that Britain’s international aid budget, used around the globe to combat AIDS, famine and female genital mutilation, is needed in High Wycombe.

‘Well, we can do one better’.

Governments across the continent have drawn up assistance packages to help the hundreds of Britons forced to sleep in poorly funded community centres, often for days at a time.

‘It is unimaginable’, said Kabila before the assembled statesmen in Kinshasa, ‘In Henley-upon-Thames for example, only one in twenty residents are millionaires. Imagine their insurance premiums’.

Following fears of sandbag shortages at Devon County Council, particularly of that drought-excluder kind, the Islamic Republic of Mauritania has stepped in, offering to drop several thousand sand bags ‘over a wide area’ from strategic bombers. Mauritania, a country which according the UN has between 10% and 20% of its population as slaves, was happy to help.

Eritrea Has Promised To Provide 103% of GDP To Help UK

Eritrea Has Promised To Provide 103% of GDP To Help The UK

‘Hey, we’re in the Sahara’, said a spokesman for the ruling junta, ‘we’re basically made out of sand!’

The largest contribution has come from Eritrea. The Red Sea state, whose primary exports include nutmeg and ferrous waste, has promised to match David Cameron’s proposed flood defence fund of £700 million.

‘We are more than happy to help’, said Minister Isaias Afwerki, ‘expending our entire Gross National Product to protect Elton John’s Windsor mansion will be the honour of all Eritreans’.

Alongside state intervention, charities have moved quickly to respond. Professor David Akol of Juba University in Darfur has established Help For The Home Counties.

‘Who can put a price on a pair of waders?’ asks Akol in a moving advert currently broadcasting across the continent, ‘For just £159, a Sudanese farmer can give an IT consultant from Surrey a pair of Endura Stocking Foot Protectors. That’s just four months wages to remove dampness from someone’s life’.

IRONY: A Pleasure Yacht Succumbs To The Floodwaters

IRONY: A Pleasure Yacht Succumbs To The Floodwaters

Half a dozen African countries have already offered to back financial aid with boots on the ground to oversee future defences. ‘It is clear’, concluded Kabila, ‘after similar catastrophes in 2000, 2007 and now 2014 that the British government simply lacks the logistical capabilities to stop water coming indoors’.

Meanwhile Syria’s Assad today announced a cease-fire in his nation’s multi-sided civil war to allow for ‘a whip round’ for Britons who have lost their second homes.

188 comments

  1. I honestly don’t know what’s more entertaining: The post or the comments.

  2. cittycostas · · Reply

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  3. Great article! Picture also! well done!
    #wordpress!

  4. Love this. I have an on going conflict of interests with my cousin ‘in-law’. She seems to act thick when coming to her conclusions about political topics however she is not thick. Anyway, when Cameron announced “money no object” some weeks ago, she got on her high horse saying how she hates Cameron “because he hasn’t helped”. She lives in the west country, but is not affected by the rising waters. Anyway she also likes to moan about immigration, after Britain “just let them in from Romania”. She has a few warped ideas, so reading this has really made me chuckle.

    I’ve shared this to my Facebook as the cousin can then read and think she was right all along😉

    Thank you!

  5. Reblogged this on CabbageTalk and commented:
    “Who can put a price on Waders?”

  6. Michael Peters · · Reply

    If this was April 1st maybe more people may have understood the satire. I enjoyed reading it and the comments. Hidden underneath there is a serious issue being highlighted. Should we be taking money from other budgets to pay for an emergency in our own country? The problem is that Britain is already broke so the real question is should we be continuing with the large foreign Aid budgets at all.Apart from this month when the government gets most of it’s tax for the year and is actually in surplass, every other month they have to borrow and the borrowing is getting larger and larger.

  7. Reblogged this on ashley flower and commented:
    truly fantastic

  8. Reblogged this on mrobaposh.

  9. Reblogged this on by LRose and commented:
    If you follow WP Freshly Pressed, then you probably saw this, but if not, it is so worth the read. I don’t know what’s more entertaining: the post or the comments.

  10. It seems the city of water!

  11. A truly excellent piece of satire.

    There are people who have dedicated their lives to ensuring we can actually help the people who need it most. http://www.givewell.org

    This … this is just disgraceful.

  12. Reblogged this on Rosie Writes… and commented:
    Very funny satire of The Daily Mail. Puts a few things in perspective as well.

  13. Reblogged this on y7isallabout and commented:
    hahaha but still they must help themselves first.

  14. […] donated ten thousand pounds to the ‘Help for the Home Counties’ fund (Story here: https://dailyhawk.co.uk/2014/02/14/african-union-we-cannot-ignore-the-plight-of-berkshire-any-longer/). We hope this will help the UK middle class get back on their feet and encourage them to come […]

  15. Funny stuff! Ian x

  16. Lesley Davis · · Reply

    Congratulations on finding a map where Israel is drawn but not named. A triumph.

  17. Hilarious…love it!

  18. […] African Union: We cannot ignore the plight of Berkshire any longer […]

  19. smuggling · · Reply

    No matter how many times I read this I am not sure I ‘get’ it. Can one of you insightful witty, clever people explain the oh so subtle and rewardingly elusive humour? I want to be a smug twat too😦

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