Premier League Footballer comes out as Vegan

by Jake B.T. Waring

veganfootieDaniel Sturridge has announced on Twitter that he is a vegan. The shocking revelation has left the world of football with much to chew on, and has changed British sport as we know it.

The Liverpool forward is the first footballer to play in the top flight of English football to have boldly gone where no one has bean before. He does not take meat.

He said on Twitter:

” I can’t take the stigma no more. I’m VEGAN! #proud #meatin’izcheatin’ #mouthfulofsalad ”

This is sure to cause a shock of hideous waves throughout English football. It is already being claimed that FA Chairman Greg Dyke shot all three of his Dachshunds at point blank range on hearing the news (For Crufts fans, please go to our Dogs sub-section for information on how this affects the betting).

It had been rumoured for some time that Sturridge had the demeanour of a vegan, but few would have expected this announcement in a World Cup year. Many believe the reason he left Chelsea to join Liverpool in 2013 was due to training ground abuse he had been receiving over his suspected inclination. An anonymous Chelsea footballer we spoke to had this to say:

‘I’m delighted that Dan (iel Sturridge) has finally come out of the pantry. I genuinely believe that had he done this sooner we would still have him here at Chelsea. He used to be the subject of a torrent of abuse from senior players. I can remember ([1]) once made him cry after calling him a ‘f**king sprout c**t’ [2]

We will have to wait in the coming months to see the true effect of what ‘The Boy Vegan’ has done. Will this move encourage others to shed the gristle and crush the garlic? In Italy they still regularly throw carrots at players believed to be vegetarian, but could this be the huge news ladle that’s needed to stir the soup of football’s veggiphobia? Only time and Twitter will tell.

[1] Footballer omitted for legal reasons, but I can tell you he is a former England captain and he wears the number 26.

[2] After an official inquiry into this incident it was discovered that said player had used the phrase ‘f**king venison c**t’ . He was cleared of all charges.

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14 comments

  1. David McCall · · Reply

    Sources close to Sturridge claim that he has been approached to be an ambassador by grass roots movement “leaf if out”, a group dedicated to combatting anti vegetarianism that is rife across European football.

  2. Jay F. · · Reply

    No place for this in football. What happened to the good old days of footballers noshing on as much meat as they could before a game?

  3. paydoogs · · Reply

    That’s just as bad as the footballer who also came out as a teetotaller and a non-driver. Whatever next?

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