Internet Shits on Ellen Page ‘But Totally Not Because She’s Gay’

ellen-page-2013by Peter Wilson

Word of Juno and Inception star Ellen Page coming out as gay has dominated entertainment news for the past several days. ‘The response has been incredible’, says Al Hendricks an organiser for the LGBTQ youth group Time to Thrive, at whose event Page made the announcement. I spoke with him early today over the telephone.

AH:         We have received so many calls from politicians, pundits and celebrities, offering their support and respect. There have also been countless internet messages denouncing her as scum based entirely on her films, voice or general appearance.

PW:        Has her sexuality been a major issue for bedroom critics?

AH:         Well at first a contrarian disinterest in her coming out dominated. Possibly millions of man hours were expended informing the internet they had no interest or did not even know who she was. Within several hours this had morphed into a general bitterness towards the apparent importance of the event not only for Page but LGBTQ people in general. We crave attention etc.

PW:        Jokes about parades?

AH:         Of course.

PW:        Would you class this as homophobic?

AH:        On the surface yes but the focus shifted and the source of those comments was clearly the bubbling resentment of attention starved individuals, clawing madly to be noticed.

PW:        Like rats?

AH:         Or wolves.

PW:        How about ghouls?

AH:         So as I said the focus started to shift. The issue of her sexuality quickly took a back seat as her hair, dress sense, the way she scrunches her mouth, all were attacked in graphic, pseudosexual detail.

PW:        So they are just treating her like any female celebrity?

AH:         Where we expected calls of ‘Blasphemous Dyke’, she merely got roars of ‘Attention-seeking Whore’. It is an incredible breakthrough for gay rights in America.

PW:        Was she anonymously assaulted in other ways?

AH:         Oh yes, as the unfocused bitterness died down she was accused of being part of a shadowy clique, given special treatment and holding insidious powers. Now while homosexuals do get those accusations from time to time, it is far more popular to link them to Jews, liberals, Masons or anyone supportive of the current President. Page is now firmly being abused as part of the Hollywood mainstream.

PW:        So are you really saying Ellen Page has received no major homophobic outcry?

AH:         Oh lord no! But it is overwhelmingly implied or subtle, even on message boards. God, public health, the state of the WNBA are all used to mask it. It is now simply socially unacceptable to be homophobic to many people. Homophobes now have to bottle up their rage, unable to mention it to friends and allow it to ferment endlessly just below the surface.

PW:        And then?

AH:         Get drunk and ruin their life on Twitter probably.

Shortly after this interview was conducted, Ellen Page made a public announcement thanking her supporters and saying she was ‘very excited’ to see which of her upcoming projects she would be released from for undisclosed reasons.



  1. I imagine, over time, when coming out fails to garner the required attention. People will start to forget about homosexuality, and hunt a new drama.

  2. Јe suis tout à fait en équation avec vous

  3. Je vais finir de regarder tout cela dans la journée

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