by Daniel Bradley
Political impotence in the face of the floods has left vast swathes of citizens all over the country feeling abandoned and hopeless. However, in a seemingly endless deluge of unremitting rain and wind, one man; one servant, one politician has taken the initiative and deigned to meet Mother Nature head on.
Boris is building an ark.
Mayor of London Boris Johnson announced at a press conference this week his intention to begin work on a ‘massive ark’ with a view towards confronting and surviving the recent floods that, as we have learned, are far from over.
Johnson intends to endure the torrential onslaught aboard an obsolete, seventeenth-century piece of riverboat construction armed only with a hat from Top Shop and a newly learned vocabulary of nautical phrases. Any member of the public can apply for a place on the ark via a rigorous IQ test as of Monday.
‘Well, to be honest…’ said an anonymous cabinet member (to whom we will be referring, for privacy’s sake, as “Mr. Iain Duncan Smith”) ‘we’ve always felt that Boris would be more at home as some sort of pirate.’
The Mayor himself has emphatically reassured the Daily Hawk (and other leading newspapers) that ‘this is not some sort of April fools stunt… due to the fact that it is February’
Questions have arisen from every major political party regarding the complete lack of need for an ark in central London when most of the damage is occurring in Somerset and Berkshire.
When accused of acting out a personal messiah complex, Johnson curtly responded by saying ‘I want to be very clear. I’m not saying I’m Noah or Jesus or anything. But someone has to be.’
Johnson has enlisted Ann Widdecombe’s services in the construction/survival effort. His rationale is two-fold; firstly, having retired from a life of politics and piety, she’s glad to be out of the house, and secondly her thinly-veiled homophobia is bound to act as some kind of divine good luck charm.
A design for the flag has been finalized; a 40 ft blue banner will sport the ark’s alleged motto – ‘So long as we’re assaulted by natural disaster, the Big Society will flourish!’
The Hawk has been informed that the phrase ‘Mayor of London’ will be plastered on all four sides of the vessel and that the ark will be built mainly from the dilapidated remains of the now bankrupt restaurants that were trashed by the Bullingdon club 30 years ago; Johnson has expressed a keen dislike of metaphors.