Flood Update: “Somali Pirates on their way to the River Severn” warns Farage

by Paul Willers

The leader of the UK independence party slammed the governments slow response stating all evidence suggested Somali Pirates where already on their way to loot the flooded South West of England.


Speaking during a visit to the village of Chertsey, Mr Farage said “It is no secret that some of the most affluent families in the UK live in the affected areas and with the current water levels their houses are easy pickings. Combined with the governments ‘let anyone in who fancies it’ immigration policy I’d be surprised if anyone even checks their passports at the border. Do they even have passports other there?”.


Left unimpressed by David Cameron’s pledge to strengthen flood defences Farage remarked, “It is all very well promising improved flood plain drainage etc, but how is that going to stop these seafaring bastards? Simple answer, it won’t. Keep your dredging, what we need are good, honest, English built gunships, and we need them now”.


Asked whether the nation should be equally concerned about home grown piracy he said “absolutely not”. “Today and throughout history, English pirates have been the most respectable of chaps. Look at Sir Francis Drake, Blackbeard, Long John Silver. Good, honest, working class pirates who would never dream of robbing their fellow country men”. Dressed in full tweed waders and stood in water up to his waist Mr Farage continued “If only our brave boys weren’t busy pillaging the French in the Riviera maybe they could protect us”.


In a bold move the UKIP leader stated that it was down to homeowners to guard themselves “It is clear that this government don’t have the backbone to defend your good, honest, english built homes from these foreign wronguns”. Joined by leader of the local Hunt Lord Roger Dickersby- Smithe, he proceeded to hand out a selection of 12 gauge shot guns to the gathered crowd. “We can’t be sure they’ll be dressed in their easily recognisable striped shirts so it is best to maintain a shoot on sight policy for anyone in a boat”.

An artist's impression of what a potential stand off could look like

An artist’s impression of what a potential stand off could look like


Nigel Smith, spokesman for the Union of Somalian Pirates reacted angrily to Mr Farage’s remarks. “Frankly I think it is disgusting that he is tarring all Somalian pirates with the same brush. Although yes, it is true that several ships have set off for Somerset, they are not members of the USP and we cannot condone their actions”. He continued, “In a sign of our support we have already donated ten thousand pounds to the ‘Help for the Home Counties’ fund (Story here: https://dailyhawk.co.uk/2014/02/14/african-union-we-cannot-ignore-the-plight-of-berkshire-any-longer/). We hope this will help the UK middle class get back on their feet and encourage them to come enjoy the wonderful Somali coastline soon”.


Mr Farage however was unmoved in his view point. “Poppy cock, this is classic union rhetoric. I imagine a whole fleet of them are already on their way. Until this fine nation is completely dry again I will be sat on the Thames barrier with my shot gun, my bloodhound Jess, and a bottle of plonk, waiting for any buggers that dare take us on”.


One comment

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