Russell Brand’s Vocabulary Stuns Sun Reader

Russell-Brand-New-Statesman-2486033by Daniel Bradley

Sun reader Gary Wains was left feeling out of breath and lightheaded as a result of the comedian Russell Brand’s sophisticated turn of phrase.

While travelling by train from Retford to London, Gary saw an abandoned copy of a recent edition of The New Statesman on a table seat. Boldly, he decided to read it because he was ‘feeling ambitious’.

He approached the political magazine tentatively, as he was in unfamiliar territory. His apprehension subsided however when he discovered, to his delight, that the edition had been guest-edited by Russell Brand whom he recognized for his erstwhile appearances in the Sun because he’d ‘shagged people’.

‘I thought, “he’s shagged loads of birds. It’s bound to be alright!”’

Eagerly, Gary began perusing Brand’s article but soon lost momentum due to the linguistic obstacle course that is Brand’s extensive lexicon.

There were all these massive words and sentences you were supposed to follow and understand’. Gary had grown accustomed to the sexual bravado that surrounded Brand’s media persona, and was not expecting anything of substance in the article due to his previous reliance on the underlying motto with which The Sun writes; ‘tits and lies.’

In his article, Brand wrote ‘we should reach beneath the stagnant quotidian to the omnipresent truth within’ and ‘the comforting buoyancy of visual clichés rinsed away by the deluge of a previously inconceivable reality.’

Feeling betrayed, Gary swore loudly on the train where he was reading the paper, crushed his half-empty can of Red Stripe and immediately wrote an email to the New Statesman complaining that ‘There was not a fanny in sight.’

Though the lack of misogyny had initially caught Gary off guard he later admitted to finding Brands passionate polemic exhilarating; during a delay near Hitchin he’d had a chance to read it again.

‘Once I’d calmed down about the lack of wank material, I was actually really impressed.’

Now Gary regularly turns to Russell Brand’s appearances on television and the media as a source of political stimulation.

Gary’s favourite sentence by Russell Brand is ‘voting is a tacit act of compliance that inculcates you into a narrow-minded and pre-existing paradigm.’

‘I don’t quite know what he means, or what he’s saying… or what he wants to happen or why. But I think he’s spot on.’


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