Working Classes Rejoice as Wayne Rooney’s Salary Skyrockets

By Michael Burton

Circumstances can change quickly. One minute you can be winning and the next minute you can be not winning. It’s fleeting, volatile and, at times, uglier than war; it’s football.

But in the middle of the chaos – the clamour, the brutality – there is one man who, with unimaginable bravery, runs and kicks and spits. There are also twenty-one others, but we don’t talk about them. This man is not like you or I. No – he can run faster; he can kick further, he can produce more spit. That man is Wayne Rooney.

Over the course of one week, the working classes of Britain have applauded the enormous pay rise for the celebrity kicker of balls and then attacked his choice of how to spend it.

The moment the working classes heard the news of Mr Rooney’s pay rise

As volatile as the game is, so too are the fans. One minute they can be on your side and the next minute they can be not on your side. It’s not human nature; it’s football.

There was much jubilation among the working classes when news recently broke that Mr Rooney’s salary would be rising to £300,000 a week; they couldn’t wait for him to have more things.

One blogger wrote, ‘I hpe hes avding txes so he cn keep mre of the mney! I thnk his daily rate of 42,480 (dble the amnt of chldrn tht die from hnger evry day) is wll dsrvd. Hs goal agenst Wst Brmwch Albion   ws siiiiiccckkkkk! Id lke to see a strving kid do tht!’ (Spelling has been retained for authenticity).

Little did they know how Mr Rooney would turn so unexpectedly.

An anonymous source leaked some financial plans Mr Rooney had made with his accountants. They revealed what he planned to do with his new wage:

Weekly wage after tax 160,000
Donation to Feed The Hungry 20,000
Regeneration of Liverpool 40,000
Education for Young African Women 15,000
Shelters for the Homeless 15,000
Marie Curie 5,000

 

Not a tax loophole in sight. Mr Rooney has shown human emotion and care for others.

Enraged at their fallen hero, the working classes immediately vocalised their anger. One blogger wrote, ‘Wht a nob. Wyne Rny is an idiot. Wht is he dng?? Wht abt all the stuff?? Dsnt he rlise there are thngs. Hw will shops cpe?? I hte to thnk hw the car dealers feel. Ths isn’t wht football is abt.’(Spelling has been altered for authenticity).

Companies everywhere panicked. A spokesperson for Aston Martin said, ‘we just feel he needs to be made aware of our needs. The problem is that when individuals control such large amounts of money, the distribution of it is at their disposal, and it often doesn’t go where needed most.  For years we’ve relied on the egos of sports stars and other high profile figures to bring in trade.  If more athletes follow suit with this misguided spending, Aston Martin could face serious financial difficulty. There needs to be an intervention.’ Ray Ban echoed the sentiment, saying ‘This is the west. Something needs to be done before giving is cooler than sunglasses.’

Whether the company is Gucci, Cabasse, Prada, Ferrari, Armani, Samsung, Porsche or Dell, the same question is on every CEOs lips; how do you convince Mr Rooney that he needs more stuff?

 

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