By Daniel Bradley
A representative of the Hardworking People of Britain has published an open letter to the government regarding it’s recent budgetary changes.
Here is the full letter:
‘Dear Tory governing body,
We, the hardworking people of Britain, would like to publicly acknowledge and give our views on the recent reduction in duty for beer and cutting of tax for bingo halls.
We honestly never knew you cared this much.
On Budget Day, you demonstrated a level of insight and compassion beyond what was expected by taking a penny off every pint of beer and reducing duty on bingo hall profits by 10%.
It’s profoundly reassuring to know that, for the last thirty years when we were all crying out for marginal changes to bingo finance and fractionally cheaper beer, you heard us.
You heard our pleas. And that means more to us than all the educational rights in the world.
We’re grateful for your recognition of the fact that we have needs, just like you.
We were astonished and impressed that you managed, not only to implement changes that resonate at the very soul of the bingo-playing, beer-swigging proles, but also to convey these ideas in a language we can easily understand; ‘Spend more time doing the things we enjoy’. As you’ve obviously realised, sophisticated rhetoric will get you nowhere and, in this day an age, being bi-lingual can only be a benefit.
Now, let us put some rumours to rest. A lot of people seem to be assuming, rather opportunistically, that we bingo-lovers aren’t best pleased by the revelation that the reduction of tax on bingo hall profits won’t benefit us in the slightest.
This couldn’t be further from the truth.
We want you to know that we honestly don’t mind that it will have no money-in-pocket effect for customers at all. In this climate of financial squalor, class-hitting austerity and reheat-able fish fingers, it is clearly the thought that counts.
Whether the tax-reduction is effectual or not seems, to us, to be missing the point. It is your willingness to fake a kind gesture that makes our hearts glow with national pride and comfort.
We’re also grateful for your repeated attempts to understand our way of life.
As Tories, you are often accused of seeming out of touch with, uninterested in and uncaring towards any group of people even slightly different from you. You are attacked viscously for doing everything possible to serve and maintain your own interests while ignoring the needs of the vulnerable. Allegedly.
Well, well, well; those haters must be eating their words now! If this isn’t going the extra mile, I don’t know what is.
We’ve found it remarkably moving that the Conservative party, with its long history of disregard for the lower classes and animosity for the less fortunate, took the time to give the pretence of empathy and social awareness.
Today is a day of gratitude; all differences put aside.
We, the hardworking underclass of Britain, would like to express our deepest thanks and appreciation to you, the gracious ruling elite, for having the heart to appear as if you’re pretending to care.’