By Michael Burton
The problem has plagued them for years and today, after three years of rigorous research, the company confessed they are still none the wiser. In a press release this morning the corporate giant conceded, ‘ We don’t know how to keep the meatballs in the bread.’
It was a moment of honesty rarely seen by large corporations.
They explained; ‘We know that for a Meatball Marinara sandwich to be considered as such, the meatballs must, by definition, stay within the confines of the bread. And that is what has been troubling us for the last three years. We’ve invested 6.3 million dollars into researching ways to keep each and every meatball within its bready parameters, and we’ve come up with nothing.’
They then went on to explain the possible solutions the research brought about; ‘At first we thought we could mix PVA glue in with the sauce but then we realised it may make the food too chewy for our customers, some of whom may be vulnerable children. Then we thought we could put little suckers on each meatball like the kind of things Batman uses to climb up walls, you know? I think it’s Batman. It might not be. You know, they’re like plungers, and they stick to glass or walls or whatever. You used to get toys with them on, like little balls with them on, so it didn’t seem like much of a jump to go from toy balls to meatballs. The idea seemed promising until we sat down with our accountant, Jeff, who said that we’d have to sell each 6-inch sandwich at a price of $43.25 in order to break even. Market research showed us that people wouldn’t be willing to pay that. We went through others too; sellotape, velcro, chewing gum, but all seemed to have a drawback of some sort.’
‘We feel a responsibility to provide a self-contained and stable sandwich to our customers, even though the kind of clientele we attract don’t really care about the structure of a sandwich. In fact, we think they’ve barely noticed all these years; when you’re shoving a sandwich through your face at 4pm on a public bench, you don’t pay any attention to detail.’
‘This obviously leaves us very conflicted as to what to do.’’
They ended the statement with an apology; ‘To our customers; we have let you down. To our staff; we have let you down. And to our shareholders; we have cost you money. And to all; we’re sorry.’
The top brass at Subway are meeting later this week to decide if the Meatball Marinara ‘sandwich’/food parcel will remain on the menu as a problem child, or if it will be struck off so the company may focus on the children with talent.