By Michael Burton
The Sun newspaper has launched a ‘Frack to the Future’ campaign; a pro-fracking crusade, complete with petition, to get Mr Cameron to kick-start the fracking process as soon as possible. The aims of the campaign are threefold; to enlighten Britains about the wonderful benefits of fracking, to have them sign the petition for Mr Cameron(who will undoubtedly listen to the public), and thirdly to showcase The Sun’s ability to use puns in high volume.
The fracking process is known to involve up to 600 chemicals, many of which are linked to cancer. The high amounts in which these are used means these chemical can pollute the water in the areas where the fracking takes place. Given The Sun’s recent success with their delicately handled ‘coppa-feel’breast cancer awareness piece, many of you may be asking yourselves, ‘What the frack?’ (See, we can do puns too).
New York has banned fracking until they find out more about what chemicals are being used in the fracking process, the ‘Frack off’ movement is growing ever stronger and methane concentration have been found to be seven times higher in drinking water around fracking sites. But The Hawk believes in The Sun, we know it wouldn’t release anything without thorough research. So we had to find out why.
We weren’t ready for what we found.
Using some old fashioned journalistic techniques, we hacked all the email accounts at The Sun and bugged the phone lines. The phone lines weren’t fruitful, no one was ringing to check any sources or trying to verify anything. But the emails answered our question.
After trawling through numerous photos of nubile women with strong political views, we found this email from The Sun’s editor David Dilsmore to Mr Cameron:
How’s your head after last night? Such banter! Been thinking about your offer. We have some requests before we can do ‘frack to the future’ campaign, it’s okay when we’re doing immigration or mental people or aids, you know, we just throw some tits or a peado’s address at the cunts, but this is a little more high risk. It’s gonna take a little more persuading than usual. Here are the requests we have:
- We want to do a coppa-bollock campaign. It helps us, it helps you. Is Eric Pickles interested in taking part?
- If any riots kick off(they will) we want an exclusive with Boris in a water cannon.
- Once fracking start, we want The Sun to have unlimited, free, clean water. I don’t care how you get it. Just get it.
- Rupert wants you to come over and play COD with him. Let him win though, he likes winning.
Let me know,
Mr Cameron responded:
Head’s banging. Yeah, that’s all good. Can’t guarantee about the COD thing though, I like winning too!
Who would have thought? The Sun had a hidden motive. Disturbing stuff. We felt conflicted as to whether we should release this information, knowing that we would hurt the feelings of so many people, people to whom The Sun has been a lighthouse of truth, guiding them through the thick waters of politics, breasts and sodoku, dating all the way back to the Hillsborough days. But then we thought, ‘What would The Sun do?’