Malaysian Flight MH370: Cumberbatch Refuses to Solve Mystery

By Daniel Bradley

The last three weeks have seen wild speculation, contradictory theories and inconclusive evidence as to the fate and potential whereabouts of the missing Malaysian Airlines flight, MH370.

While pressure has been mounting for Malaysian Airline officials, the Malaysian government, Chinese authorities and Australian and U.S. Navies, there is one man who owes the world an explanation, more than anyone else. Responsibility must surely lie on his shoulders.


Cumberbatch hawk

Think about others for a change

Appallingly, media reports suggest that Benedict Cumberbatch is still refusing to solve ‘The Mystery Of MH370’, despite obvious pressure to take on the case.

Sherlock fans have been picketing Cumberbatch’s home, in an attempt to coax him out of his reclusive office and make him see sense.

‘I’m just an actor!’ insists the selfish sleuth.

While Cumberbatch’s insistence that he is ‘not really Sherlock’ is understandable, it is ridiculous to assume that after three series of the Conan-Doyle cannon some skills of induction haven’t rubbed off on him.

‘Listen,’ pleaded Cumberbatch from his kitchen window in London, Hampstead, Agincourt Road, number 19, NW3 2QJ. ‘I’m just an actor! I don’t actually do all those things! I’m not a consulting detective! I-’

A protester/hysterical fan overpowered Cumberbatch’s voice. ‘IT’S OK! MORIARTY’S GONE! WE KNOW YOU’RE NOT A FRAUD!’ This caused Cumberbatch to swear loudly and slam his window shut, in his classic misanthropic, ill-mannered attitude.

Yesterday, The Daily Mail featured the front-page headline; ‘FLIGHT SEARCH DWINDLES; CUMBERBATCH DOES NOTHING!’

‘Look,’ implored Cumberbatch, inconsiderately. ‘My deepest condolences and thoughts are with the bereaved families and loved ones in this tragic time. I wish I could help! I really do! But I can’t! I- there’s nothing- ’

‘Just go into your mind palace, for fuck’s sake!’ bellowed an obsessive protestor.

The sulky actor/high-functioning sociopath turned to Malaysian Police Officials in charge of the aircraft search, hoping that they would take responsibility for the case, relieving him of the protesters scrutiny. However their statement did very much the opposite;

‘To be honest, he’s probably got a better chance of finding it than we do.’

Two days ago, Martin Freeman boldly attempted to persuade Cumberbatch to ‘get back on the horse’ by visiting him in his home.

Freeman made his way bravely through the protesters and entered the house. After four minutes he stormed out, tear-stricken, yelling ‘you’ve changed, Holmes! You’ve changed!’

It remains a mystery, why a highly skilled consulting detective would need a hobbit for an assistant.



One comment

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