Noel Edmonds Batters Himself with Phone: Cosmic Justice?

By Michael Burton

The live studio audience looked on in baffled horror as Noel Edmonds spontaneously began battering himself with the Deal Or No Deal phone. In contorted conflict, the host delivered blow after blow upon himself, whilst at the same time the other half of his body struggled frantically to resist the violence. It was profoundly disturbing and utterly confusing. After a minute or of brutal self-sabotage, two camera men wrestled the phone from Noel, who lay bloody, panting for a moment before blacking out. He was rushed to Bristol Royal Infirmary where he is said to be in a critical condition.

noel ambulance correct

Paramedics rush Noel to hospital


The incident began when Melanie, a 28 year old Retail Assistant from Burnley, had knocked two reds off the board and desperately needed a blue. After a deep breath, she chose Nigel to open box number 12. Nigel, a greying man with the belly of middle-aged-resignation, began his oratory; “You know something Melanie, and I aren’t joking, on the way here today, in the taxi, swear down Melanie, we were stuck behind a car for the whole journey, no lie Melanie,  and I noticed something. Do you know what I noticed?”

“No,” Melanie replied.

“The registration plate of that car Melanie, no kidding, do you know what it was?”

“No,” Melanie replied.

“It was RH42 6FY. “

“Oh,” Melanie replied.

“Thinking about it Melanie. What does 4 plus 2 plus 6 equal?”

Melanie thought for a moment and then smiled, “Twelve.”

“Exactly, and do you know what colour that car was Melanie?”

“No,” Melanie replied.

“It was blue.”

Aaaaaaaarrrggggghhhhhh! There came a blood curdling scream from behind Melanie; it was Noel. Red with rage, he began screaming contradictory phrases, as though having a Smeagol/Gollum conversation with himself. “IT’S RANDOM! IT’S NOT! IT’S LUCK, ITS LUCK! IT’S THE UNIVERSE, IT’S THE UNIVERSE! DIE YOU BEARDED TWAT! I LOVE ME! YOU BEAVER HEADED PRICK! ME! ME! YOU EGOTISTICAL, FERRET FACED FUCK! BLOBBY! BLOBBY!”

Then it began; Noel spun around, grabbed the phone and smacked himself in the eye, instantly drawing blood. He dodged his second swing but the third one caught him clean on the cheek, knocking him to the ground, where he continued to assault himself until the camera men intervened.

noel edmonds real real

Noel moments before the outburst


The internet has gone wild with suggestions for what may have happened. The most popular(and most plausible) theory is that Noel Edmonds fell victim to the Law of Attraction – something which he himself avidly believes in.

The basic principal of the Law of Attraction is that our thoughts give out cosmic vibrations that can bring the things we think about into being, i.e you think about debt, you bring more debt into your life or you think about a Mercedes, you bring a Mercedes into your life.

It appears in this instance, so powerful are the cosmic vibrations made by the masses of people wishing Noel Edmonds would kill himself, that the universe has brought the situation into physical reality.

Then why isn’t he dead?

The Hawk got in touch with Rhonda Byrne, author of The Secret; a book in which the Law of Attraction takes centre stage. “The reason he isn’t dead,” she explained, “Is because Noel has such a disproportionately high sense of self love that his own cosmic vibrations combat those of the millions who wish him dead.”

After Noel had been rushed to hospital, Nigel opened box 12. It was blue.



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