By Daniel Bradley
In an unexpected and astonishing act of political enterprise, government figures of every degree and rank are working together to improve everything. Everything.
In a move universally heralded as ‘unthinkable’, progress has genuinely been made by the people whose job it is to make progress. Those in charge have actually done well.
We have received incontrovertible evidence that recent governmental plans have gone forward without any baseless prejudice, intolerance of common sense, suppressed racism, narrow-minded idiocy, Etonian elitism, inane bickering and ceaseless hounding of the poor.
Chancellor George Osborne has commented, ‘Well, to be honest, we all just thought that we should start helping everyone. I know it sounds a bit far-fetched but we’re willing to try anything at this point.
‘As a Tory government, we realise there’s a slight danger of us ruining the lives of everyone. So we’ve decided to use human empathy – I don’t know if you’ve heard of it – to try to understand the problems that other people face.’
However, it is not only the conservatives who are inexplicably doing their jobs well.
Ed Miliband has stated that he wants to make the last year of the 2010 parliament ‘the best it can be.’ Even though an election is looming, Miliband has decided to ‘put aside petty vote-hunting and just crack on with it, for god’s sake.’
Nick Clegg is allowing everyone free access to his DVD collection.
Ed Balls, the current Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer, has volunteered to ‘talk about his job’ in order to make the British government ‘the best it can be. And if that means a Tory Government, then so be it.’
‘The problem,’ says Prime Minister David Cameron, ‘is that we’re all quite rich and privileged. So it’s difficult for us to relate to poor peoples minds. Or disabled peoples bodies. Or homeless people’s smell. So we’ve decided that instead of alienating them, we should try to treat them like human beings.’
Boris Johnson chimes in, ‘Thatcher was such a twat, too.’ The cabinet murmurs in agreement.
Cameron is relocating a series of public funds to help finance the NHS, arts programs, new and improved benefit schemes and free, higher education.
Homeless people everywhere are proudly sporting banners that declare ‘I COMPLETELY TRUST THE GOVERNMENT’
The most recent, and infamous, episode of Question Time lasted less than 90 seconds, as a result of there being no problems in public life whatsoever.
Almost unbelievably, it seems that all is well. Social harmony has been achieved; a utopian vision realised. People everywhere are contently basking in the newfound equilibrium, peacefully happy, without any fear; Conspiracy theorists at the Daily Mail, Jan Moir and Richard Littlejohn, have railed in protest with front-page headline ‘EVERYTHING IS GOOD – FEAR IT!’