The Home Office have released projections today indicating that people dying due to lack of shelter over the holiday period will not only be the highest in a generation but also the most ethnically diverse since records began.
“I think its a sign that we are on track to a fairer Britain”, said the Home Secretary, Theresa May at a press conference earlier this morning. “As part of our efforts to clamp down on immigrants exploiting the benefits system, this government can proudly say that whether you are a new arrival to Britain or can trace your ancestry back generations, the possibility of freezing to death in a urine soaked alley is ever present.”
“Where once you only saw the pale, withered faces of Scousers and Glaswegians begging for change, we now see Albanians, Nigerians, Bangladeshis and many others shuddering in doorways and using dogs as blankets.”
“Immigrants will no longer be protected by a nanny state from the Mad Max-esque brutality that decent, crack addicted Britons live with everyday.”
Many have hit back at the announcement. “Well obviously its a load of rubbish”, said Nigel Farage of UKIP, “this government is trying to hide their failures on immigration by shunting around a load of numbers. The fact of the matter is migrants make up less than 10% of the population and yet they are over 20% of our homeless. We need to see a sharp increase in the number of young British people sleeping rough and dying, be it from winter weather, infected sores or in knife fights over rotten bread.”
In a letter to The Times, Ed Miliband and the Labour Party criticised the Home Office’s findings as unrepresentative of the entire country. “While we are happy to see a more diverse section of the population staring blankly into shop windows, struggling even to remember what a cooked meal tastes like, the Coalition has failed to spread the horror and despair outside of London and other major cities.” It continued, “People in forgotten towns like Oldham and Carlisle have not even heard what the anguished cries of a heroin addict begging for death sound like in Vietnamese. We hope that with a Labour government in 2015, we can change that.”
Other have attacked the Home Office for ignoring the fallout of these developments. “Theresa May can harp on about diversity”, said Shaun Bard, leader of Selton County Council, “but clearly the issue that needs to be addressed is the reductions to local government budgets. Corpse-removal services have been cut to the bone in recent years. While the people of Selton are community-minded, clearly we need serious investment from Westminster to help us. Before the rats come.”
May has dismissed these criticisms and others as nitpicking. “We believe the public are too intelligent to be taken in by such spin. The proof of our policies’ impact will come not from statistics but in the variety of stiff, frostbitten cadavers that will litter our streets on Christmas Day.”