Author Archives: Jape

Frozen tramp corpses set to be ‘more multicultural than ever’ this Christmas

The Home Office have released projections today indicating that people dying due to lack of shelter over the holiday period will not only be the highest in a generation but also the most ethnically diverse since records began. “I think its a sign that we are on track to a fairer Britain”, said the Home […]

UK teachers treat students to end of term ‘fun day’; nurse hangovers.

Up and down the country, children are counting down the minutes until the start of their Christmas holidays. “They’re so excited”, says Mrs. Henderson, “but if Callum doesn’t stop with that damn Transformer thing I’m going to throw him out the window.” As the students become increasingly raucous, she informs them that there is a […]

Royal Corginapper Caught in Police Operation LONDON – Police can confirm they have helivaced three Welsh herding dogs to safety after a daring brunchtime raid. Deputy Commissioner Enid Powell informed reporters that, “The animals -who will not be named for legal reasons- have been successfully rescued from a hip Shoreditch bistro.” “A suspect is now in custody. It was quite […]

David Moyes Abandoned at Service Station

by Pete Wilson Manchester United deny intentionally leaving their manager in the middle of the M62. When the Manchester United bus pulled up at Old Trafford last night, the team were clearly despondent over their 2-0 loss to Everton hours before. The one man not to exit the vehicle was club manager David Moyes. In […]

Andy Coulson: “The affair never negatively affected our criminal activity”

by Pete Wilson At the Old Bailey on Monday, the former editor of the News of the World apologised openly for his “wrong doings” and “immoral actions”. Asked by the court if he was referring to the charges of serious breaches of privacy in the name of tabloid titillation he replied: “Oh no, I meant […]

Op Ed: Brit Award arrogance of David Tennant. Does he have no shame?

by Michael Burton The Brit Awards were rocked by the impromptu storming of the stage by once-respected actor David Tennant. The 42-year old star of Doctor Who burst onto the podium as the Arctic Monkeys attempted to claim their Best Album award. Tennant shocked the nation with his garbled, quasi-poetic ramblings about dirt and marshland. […]

UK Floods: Boris Johnson to Build Ark

by Daniel Bradley Political impotence in the face of the floods has left vast swathes of citizens all over the country feeling abandoned and hopeless. However, in a seemingly endless deluge of unremitting rain and wind, one man; one servant, one politician has taken the initiative and deigned to meet Mother Nature head on. Boris […]