Category Business

Tesco Staff Permitted to Insult Fat Customers

By Michael Burton In a controversial move, Tesco are starting a new ‘health campaign’ which permits staff to insult obese customers. The campaign, which has been called ‘Berate The Weight’ is being trialed in The Tesco store in Hammersmith. Carl Ritchins, 42, is Regional Manager of the store; Berate The Weight was his idea and […]

The Sun’s ‘Frack to the Future’: The Truth

By Michael Burton The Sun newspaper has launched a ‘Frack to the Future’ campaign; a pro-fracking crusade, complete with petition, to get Mr Cameron to kick-start the fracking process as soon as possible. The aims of the campaign are threefold; to enlighten Britains about the wonderful benefits of fracking, to have them sign the petition […]

Fast Food Chain Subway Admits Defeat

By Michael Burton The problem has plagued them for years and today, after three years of rigorous research, the company confessed they are still none the wiser. In a press release this morning the corporate giant conceded, ‘ We don’t know how to keep the meatballs in the bread.’ It was a moment of honesty […]

Open Letter to Tories From Hardworking People.

By Daniel Bradley   A representative of the Hardworking People of Britain has published an open letter to the government regarding it’s recent budgetary changes.   Here is the full letter:       ‘Dear Tory governing body,   We, the hardworking people of Britain, would like to publicly acknowledge and give our views on […]

Wet Dream

By Noel Adrian Hepworth A controversially honest poem that addresses the ineffable ecstasy and excruciating helplessness that can trouble a man in his slumber. No gentleman, no matter how old or gallant, is immune. All men will succumb, but only the poet will put it into ink. Creep, Like an erotic assassin, Into my room; […]

EXCLUSIVE: Ian Beale Spin Off Series

By Michael Burton The nation’s favourite actor, Adam Brinley Woodyatt, delighted millions this week when he announced plans are in progress for a six part Ian Beale spin off series, Keeping It Beale. By far one of the country’s most nuanced actors, Adam Brinley Woodyatt brings to life the embodiment of fundamental British values and […]

Northern Rail Abolishes Timetables

by Michael Burton Well, unsurprisingly, it’s happened, and- quite appropriately- it’s happened a long time after it should have. In a desperate attempt to improve punctuality statistics Northern Rail have decided to do away with any timetabling of trains. The decision comes after a recent survey, in which members of the public were asked what […]