Category Health & Science

Frozen tramp corpses set to be ‘more multicultural than ever’ this Christmas

The Home Office have released projections today indicating that people dying due to lack of shelter over the holiday period will not only be the highest in a generation but also the most ethnically diverse since records began. “I think its a sign that we are on track to a fairer Britain”, said the Home […]

Tesco Staff Permitted to Insult Fat Customers

By Michael Burton In a controversial move, Tesco are starting a new ‘health campaign’ which permits staff to insult obese customers. The campaign, which has been called ‘Berate The Weight’ is being trialed in The Tesco store in Hammersmith. Carl Ritchins, 42, is Regional Manager of the store; Berate The Weight was his idea and […]

Noel Edmonds Batters Himself with Phone: Cosmic Justice?

By Michael Burton The live studio audience looked on in baffled horror as Noel Edmonds spontaneously began battering himself with the Deal Or No Deal phone. In contorted conflict, the host delivered blow after blow upon himself, whilst at the same time the other half of his body struggled frantically to resist the violence. It […]

The Sun’s ‘Frack to the Future’: The Truth

By Michael Burton The Sun newspaper has launched a ‘Frack to the Future’ campaign; a pro-fracking crusade, complete with petition, to get Mr Cameron to kick-start the fracking process as soon as possible. The aims of the campaign are threefold; to enlighten Britains about the wonderful benefits of fracking, to have them sign the petition […]

‘I Can’t Believe It’s Been This Easy’ – Cameron On NHS Privatisation

By Michael Burton David Cameron’s never been a man to mince his words. Today was no different. In perhaps one of his most honest interviews to date, Cameron spoke candidly with The Hawk earlier today. Wearing beige chinos and a pair of white converse, Cameron greeted me warmly, as I entered the Priory Tavern in […]

Wet Dream

By Noel Adrian Hepworth A controversially honest poem that addresses the ineffable ecstasy and excruciating helplessness that can trouble a man in his slumber. No gentleman, no matter how old or gallant, is immune. All men will succumb, but only the poet will put it into ink. Creep, Like an erotic assassin, Into my room; […]

Drunk Beckham Calls Public ‘Bunch of Fickle C*nts’

By Michael Burton What was supposed to be a quiet visit home turned into news story of the week last night, when a drunken David Beckham, accompanied by Victoria, let rip at members of the of the public, calling them a, ‘Bunch of fickle c*nts.’ One of our reporters happened to be at the scene […]